Trigger Warning: This post discusses suicidal thoughts and hurting others.
In this second part of My Mental Health Spiral and Recovery series, I would like to explain some events contributing to my spiral.
By 2015, I was already in a deep depression; I had been for a long time. I was drinking a lot. I felt angry, hurt, frustrated, shame, and a bunch of other things I didn’t know how to deal with. I wasn’t even sure of some of the feelings I was having, like rages, and on the scale of insanity. I would play streams of irrational, hateful, abhorrent scenes over and over in my head, getting angrier every time. Those incredibly strong emotions are difficult to deal with and it just kept getting worse too.
In the fall of 2015, I was fired from a Course Warrant position at the Infantry School. I had charges levied against me with a trial pending, from instructing on a previous course. I behaved like a drunken fool at the annual Senior NCO’s and Officers Christmas party, then again in the Sgt’s and Warrant’s Mess (My sincere apologies Sean). In the new year, a series of new charges were issued against me and another trial by courts martial was to be convened. I was moved to A Company to work on a 3B and be mentored by my peers. I was duly insulted.
By May of 2016, I had made up my mind to go to mental health. I was stressed out, having chest pains, my head ached all the time, and I was starting to feel pains in my body from torturing it day in and day out doing PT (physical training). My life at home was poor at best. I wanted to, and planned on hurting people. I felt I had no voice or control in any aspect of my life. I just wanted to die. I thought about suicide often – everyday for a long time.
As I write this, I remember the despicable thoughts I was having regarding other military members and the way I behaved towards my wife and kids, and I am ashamed of all of it. I can say that now. Moving on…
It took me a long time and a lot of needless suffering before I decided to go to 42 Health Services Mental Health Intake. I was scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Would I get called out right then and there? Would coworkers start to talk? What would they say? “Not so tough anymore, eh Funk?” I never was, but I thought I was. Funny. Thick more like it. I digress. Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore. After going through the line up at the front desk I went to the intake room and waited in the hallway. The door opened and I was invited in by a young, pretty woman. I don’t recall how the conversation started but the lady was not very nice to me, at least not in the way I had expected. I continued explaining my position but I really thought she was going to tell me off or something. She seemed hostile. Finally I ended up just asking her, “Should I just shut my gob and get back to work or do I need to see a doctor?”
“You need to see a doctor right now,” were her words, and she escorted me to the doctor right then and there.