Royce Roberts
At any other point in my life this biography would have looked quite a bit different, and I hope it looks different again as I grow older and learn to get back to some form of balance in my life. I would have said until very recently that my story peaked with my role in the military back in 2013, and that I'd have rode out my days being "that guy" who was stuck in his glory days.... But this isn't that story and I'm no longer that guy. For most of my life I thought I was destined to be a soldier, whether it was from my earliest days of playing with G.I JOE characters or my teen years watching way too many movies, I guess I bought into the "service" hook, line and sinker. All I wanted to do was be that sheepdog; one of those "rough men, who stood ready so others could sleep soundly in their beds," and boy did I.
I can honestly say I got to live my childhood dream, I managed to check almost every box I'd wanted to in the military; Infantry, check, jump course, check; deployment, SOF, firefights: check, check, check. But the truth was, at my peak, I hated my job as a JTAC more than anything and never quite felt like I was truly smart enough to do it. It was worth it to be part of the big show and was simply the biggest role a guy like me could ever fill in that organization which was intoxicating. I think the hardest thing I ever did to my ego was give up that job, but I literally could not do it anymore. I had burned too hot for too long on multiple ends and I had nothing left... I was a Commodore 64 soldier in a world of high tech and I was burned out. By the time my symptoms were diagnosed, I was far past the stage where I could be easily repaired and returned to service. For all intents and purposes I was an insurance write off, All of the handshake deals from leadership now forgotten as their own personal promotions wiped away their perspective of old promises like the shaking of an etch a sketch. With all of the years of personal sacrifice now seemingly worthless it took years of wondering what it was all for and believing I had failed them. The truth is I showed up every time they needed and delivered what they asked until I finally needed help myself. I now realize they had failed me and not the other way around.
I can honestly say I got to live my childhood dream, I managed to check almost every box I'd wanted to in the military; Infantry, check, jump course, check; deployment, SOF, firefights: check, check, check. But the truth was, at my peak, I hated my job as a JTAC more than anything and never quite felt like I was truly smart enough to do it. It was worth it to be part of the big show and was simply the biggest role a guy like me could ever fill in that organization which was intoxicating. I think the hardest thing I ever did to my ego was give up that job, but I literally could not do it anymore. I had burned too hot for too long on multiple ends and I had nothing left... I was a Commodore 64 soldier in a world of high tech and I was burned out. By the time my symptoms were diagnosed, I was far past the stage where I could be easily repaired and returned to service. For all intents and purposes I was an insurance write off, All of the handshake deals from leadership now forgotten as their own personal promotions wiped away their perspective of old promises like the shaking of an etch a sketch. With all of the years of personal sacrifice now seemingly worthless it took years of wondering what it was all for and believing I had failed them. The truth is I showed up every time they needed and delivered what they asked until I finally needed help myself. I now realize they had failed me and not the other way around.
I believe my ego and blind devotion were the major contributions to my problem; I never knew how to ask for help. They don't train you to take care of yourself, mission before self. I helped promote these toxic attitudes and ignored fellow soldiers in need because I was trained to ignore weakness, until that very weakness became all too much a part of my own life. How could this happen to me? I felt like I would have been better than that but I was part of the problem. I now think I have found a way to be part of the solution. If I am right about what my partners and I are working on, there's a chance we can pull our lives back together... and if it works for us it can maybe help someone else find their way.
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I finally feel like I have purpose again and today's version of me wants to catch others before their pride does to them what mine did to me, or worse. I'm tired of reading about suicides of former friends that are too proud to reach out.
Projects |
Strayboar |
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